


Slam on the Break

by wantsumfuk



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Basically Evan is gay in denial, Evan is dating Zoe but Evan and Connor like each other, F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Lol i have no idea how to use this website, Lowkey fluff?, M/M, No lie its ginna be angsty, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Swearing bc its Connor, The Desperate Type referance if you squint go read it its amazing, This is going to be a chapter for a book im writing soon so ye, ok enjoy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-18
Updated: 2017-05-18
Packaged: 2018-11-02 03:38:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10936215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wantsumfuk/pseuds/wantsumfuk
Summary: Evan walks up to Connor's room after the very inspirational talk about breaking in baseball gloves with Larry, but before walking in he hears Connor sobbing.(This is a chapter for a soon to be book)((If you don't get it, it's the main story/plot of Dear Evan Hansen but Connor is alive))





	Slam on the Break

Evan walked up from the basement and up the other flight of stairs _grinning_. He felt.... He felt welcomed. Like- like he was a part of a family.... He neared Connor's door with the baseball glove still in hand.

He stood there for a second, was he doing the right thing?

He can't help but feel a pang of guilt and regret wash over him... It felt horrible, but also so great. Why can't he look on the positive side? He knew what it felt like to have a dad. How it felt like to feel loved. To feel useful. To feel...  _wanted_.

He put a pause to that when he heard stiffled sobs. He knocked on Connors door and felt panic wash over him. "Connor? Are you okay?" He knocked again. He heard no reply so he tried to barge in. _Locked_.

"Connor? Connor this isn't funny open the door." He whisper-yelled. He didn't need the rest of the Murphy's coming up to see what's going on.

"Hold the fuck up I'm doing something." Connor's hoarse voice spoke a little weary as if he'd been crying. No doubt he might have because his sobs were what triggered Evan's panic.

After a couple minutes Connor open the door and looked awful. His hair was a mess, his eyes were red, his blackish-gray jacket unzipped to reveal a wrinkled gray shirt, and his face seemed blochy with his bags darker than normal. Evan came rushing in. "What happened." He said rather forcefully.

"Nothing."

"Not true. Your eyes are red."

"I was smoking weed."

"No you weren't I don't smell it and your last bunt is still untouched on the ash tray. What happened." Evan heaved. He felt his hands grip the baseball bat so hard that his knuckles most likely turned white.

" _Nothing_ Hansen. You're overreacting. God, you're acting like my mom when she first found out I was cutting." Connor reflected, seeming like he was trying hard to maintain his posture.

_Overreacting? Of course I am! I love you and you're important to me so of course I'd overreact!_

Evan wanted to say the millions of thoughts racing through his head, but he couldn't. He never could. He took a deep breath and looked strictly at Connor. "Jacket. Off. Now."

"Why are you talking like you're about to rape me?"

Evan's face burned, "Wh- No- I- That's not- no- that isn't-" He shook his head and stepped closer to Connor. "Connor just take it off-"

"What if I don't want to." He said casually as he closed the door behind Evan. Connor walked over to his bed and flopped onto it, seeming more tired than usual, and that's saying something.

"Please just take off the jacket-"

"Why should I? My answer is no."

"I said please, just take it off-"

"And I said no."

"Connor it's not so hard to-"

"Hansen. Don't fuck with me right now. No is no."

"But Connor-"

"I SAID NO!"

Evan flinched and took a step back and saw his friend break down before him. His face stung with pain and regret as if he just hit a puppy. He shook his head and tugged on his hair roughly. He laughed forcefully and started to cry and tremble. "I can't do anything right can I?"

"Connor who said tha-"

"DON'T TOUCH ME." He yelled remorsefully as Evan retracted his hand from Connor's shoulder. "D-don't... please," His voiced cracked as more tears continued to fall, "I don't want to scare you off..."

Evan's heart twisted in sorrow. "Connor you could never scare me off." He kneeled in front of Connor, trying to get eye contact.

 _Don't do this to me. You're strong, I know you are. Please, you're the only one who really matters to me._ Evan bit his tongue. He couldn't say that outloud even if he tried. Besides he knew most of the possible outcomes for that.

"I scared my family off. They're only caught up with this act because you're here. If you left the first day, Hansen, my story would repeat and repeat and repeat until I finally managed to fucking die." Connor's chest rose and fell quickly. Evan knew those actions from heart, it was as clear as day to see that Connor was getting a panic attack, but Evan felt useless.

_But I didn't leave. Nor do I plan to. Please.... Stay with me._

"That's not true. They would've found out that you needed help right?" Evan felt useless. _That's because I am._

Connor let out a sick laugh. "No they wouldn't. You don't know the _real_  Murphy's, Evan. The ones that can't stand each other, the ones that find a reason to yell at each other every other 2 hours. The ones that  _hate_  each other's guts, but were sadly forced to stay with each other because we had to fucking rely on each other for money. That was the only reason any of us really stayed. Because of fucking money. Now that you're here, I don't have to be. They're replacing me with you already."

Connor looked up and practically glared at Evan's hand, and Evan realized that he was still holding onto the baseball glove. He frowned because he was sadly _right_. "What did he say about it?" Connor hinted to the leather glove and Larry.

"He- ......He said that he always wanted to teach you how to play and be-be close with you with this as you two's thing, but you never cooperated, and that he always wanted to help you with your issues." Evan stammered while setting it down. That was basically what Larry explained to him right?

" _Bullshit_. He got that glove while I was lying in my bed after a fight with Zoe that had been going on for weeks. I was in 8th grade during that time. _Fucking_   _Larry_ just walked in and threw it at my face. He shooed me off and said 'Stop being a lazy faggot and go do something productive for once. No one wants to see you moping around.' So of course I decided to not use it. Who trusts gifts anymore from him?" Connor huffed. He threw his head back and it banged on the wall. Evan flinched, any harder Connor could've gotten a concussion.

 _I'm sorry. I'm sorry I came in your life. I made things worse. I'm so useless, and stupid, and unneeded, and I don't know why I thought you would need me in your life. You deserve so much better, Connor. I'm sorry this had to happen to you. I'm sorry_ I  _had to happen to you. I'm sorry. I wish I could make it up to you-_

Evan ignored his thoughts and stared intensely at his jacket. He pulled it off Connor and his eyes widen. His arms were littered with new cuts. Fresh ones. "What the fuck Hansen!?"

"Connor! Why- Howcome- you- why didn't you- I thought-"

"What? 'I thought' what!? That I was going to stop!? Fuck no! You and my fucking family brought this you know!! The fact of you all being  _perfect_ together! The fa _ct_ that you're dating _my fucking sister_  of all people! Everything is all of _your_ fault!"

_I'm sorry._

"You guys just had to be so fucking _PERFECT_ all together so who needs Connor!? No one _CARES_  until he go tries to _KILL HIMSELF AGAIN_ and that's when we realize how he's a fucking _FREAK_."

_I'm sorry. I'm sorry._

"So what'd you think!? Huh."

"I-I- I thought- ..... You promised... You promised you would tell me... That'd you come to me..." Evan's heart clenched. He could feel himself trembling, while his heartbeat pounded in his ears. Connor stood up menacingly in front of Evan.

"Well you were _wrong_ , Hansen. You hear me!? _WRONG_."

_I'm so sorry. I'm a fucking freak. You were right. You are right. You don't need me, I should leave. I'm sorry I came to your life Connor Murphy. I'm sorry Zoe Murphy. Sorry Cynthia Murphy. Larry Murphy. I'm so so sorry-_

"I just can't come to you, wanna know why!? Because you don't need a fucking _BURDEN_  like me in your life! You deserve better so I can't fucking believe how much-"

_This is good bye right? I'm sorry-_

"-I fucking _need you_  in my life."

That snapped Evan out his thoughts. He looked up to see Connor, his jacket on the ground, his face blochy, and tears streaming down like Niagra Falls. He looked like a mess, but Evan, without a doubt, looked worse.

"You- you- what?"

_He needs me? Why-_

Connor trembled. His face paled as he clenched his hands so hard they turned white. "You-..... You're the only thing keeping me sane.... The only thing that really cares. Anyone would've left this mess that I am. And- I just....."

Connor's voice disappeared. He felt his knees buckle and he threw himself on to Evan, who had to support his weight. Connor clutched onto him tightly while he sobbed. He buried himself in the crook of Evan's neck and cried, getting Evan's jacket wet.

Evan stood there clinging back to Connor like he was the only thing left to live for in this world. And in a way he was, well he and Zoe as well. Evan couldn't proccess it.

_He did this, because I'm too good for him? Shouldn't it be the other way around? He's too good for me, so is Zoe. Why? Why do they stay for useless Evan Hansen? Why-_

Evan drowned his thoughts out and let himself cry. The two boys stood hugging each other like their life depended on it. And it did. If Evan had shown up any later, who knows what Connor would've done. After a long period of time, Connor stood up uncomfortably. "I- I'm sorry about this..."

Evan smiled and cupped his cheek, wiping off a stray tear. "You apologized? Shouldn't it have been me apologizing?"

Connor rolled his eyes and shoved Evan. "Shut it Hansen."

Comforting silence washed over them, but was broken by Connor's voice. "Hey um- Evan? Do me a favor?" He pleaded as he picked up his jacket and put it on.

"What do you need?" Evan asked as he started to play with the hem of his own jacket.

"Could you- um- sing? For me? I heard you- uhm sing before, while you were hanging out with Zoe? Uhm could you do that for me?" Connor's face flushed, but not any worse than Evan's.

"Oh- yeah- uhm- sure- let me go get Zoe's guitar-"

"I have one," Connor blurted. He shifted uncomfortably to the closet, "From- uhm Jazz Band..."

"I thought you used to play the keyboard?"

"Also- also guitar... I actually taught Zoe a couple of times." Connor said as a smile found it's way to his lips. But it quickly turned into a frown. Either way he got the instrument out of the closet and handed it to Evan.

"It needs to be tuned. By the way, how do you know how to play?"

"My dad had one and taught me how to play before he- you know- and it kinda stuck with me." He gently started to tune up the guitar while memories and thoughts flashed in and out of his head.

"And his name didn't?" Connor furrowed his eyebrows as he carefully watched Evan.

"Uhm- well- anyway- uhm- well after that I kept looking up sheet music and tutorials and stuff while Mom left me with Jared while she worked from time to time and- yeah..." Evan sat down on the floor and Connor sat down inches away from him.

They locked eyes for a moment, giving each other a passionate smile before Evan cleared his throat and looked down to the acoustic instrument in his hand.

_He doesn't need me._

Evan took a shaky, deep breath and brought his hand down to start the melody and rhythm

**_I don't deserve him._ **

"I've learn to slam on the break. Before I even turn the key...."

**Author's Note:**

> Okokok i hope you enjoyed and its 4 am i started to write this at 12 am oh gr8 anyhoo if you dont understand the relationship here is a breif explanation: Evan and Connor are gay for each other but Evan is bi in denial so he is dating Zoe
> 
> idk what else to say so bye


End file.
